The Paranoia Net

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Break! Break! The Paranoia Net! A cruising friend of ours wrote this poem after sailing through the islands listening in on the daily Caribbean's Safety and Security Net on the 8 MHz SSB. Probably the west coast has a similar net in Mexico where cruisers catalog the robberies and lost dinghies. Oh, before the lunatic literary critics point out that the Safety Net is well-intentioned and helpful to cruisers - yes, we realize that, thanks. This is just in fun. The rest of you will have a good laugh.

THE PARANOIA NET

Break, Break, all you yachties. Is the frequency clear?
Tell me your problems and the things that you fear.
Tell me of injustice and tales of woe.
Up with the curtain and on with the show.

Break, Break, This is Thelma on yacht Busy Body.
This marina is dirty and the service is shoddy.
I'm paying six boat boys to varnish my trim.
When I turn on my AC the marina goes dim.

Yacht Busy Body you can make it through.
Here's my advice on what you should do.
Dog all your hatches and shoot off a flare.
Run around the deck with your hands in the air.
Lock up your dinghy with Titanium chain.
The whole Caribbean has gone quite insane.

Break, Break, This is yacht Coaster. Please give me a hand.
I'm crossing the Mona and I've lost sight of land.
My computer has crashed and I dont have a chart.
These Islands up here are quite far apart.

Yacht Coaster; Yacht Coaster, You can make it through.
Here's my advice on what you should do.
Dog all your hatches and shoot off a flare.
Run around the deck with your hands in the air.
Lock up your dinghy with Titanium chain.
The whole Caribbean has gone quite insane.

Pan, Pan, From yacht Porky I feel quite a fright.
I ate too much bean dip at the potluck last night.
The potluck was nice, but it's taken its toll.
I'm missing my fork and a big salad bowl.

Yacht Porky, Yacht Porky; you can make it through.
Here's my advice on what you should do.
Dog all your hatches and shoot off a flare.
Run around the deck with your hands in the air.
Lock up your dinghy with Titanium chain.
The whole Caribbean has gone quite insane.

May Day! May Day! I'm going down fast.
I'm bailing like mad and I'm kissing my ass.
The batteries are under and the sea is so sloppy
Grab hold of your pen and take down this copy.

Stand by, Stand by, and please wait your turn.
Don't barge in like that, these things you must learn.
If you've got a problem and you don't have a clue.
It's really quite simple what you must do.

Dog all your hatches and shoot off a flare.
Run around the deck with your hands in the air.
Lock up your dinghy with Titanium chain.
The whole Caribbean has gone quite insane.

Adam Sims

S/V Mr Toads Wild Ride